This song was the first song I had written in 7 years, and it really summarizes my journey of being a freshman in college at the peak of Instagram right before they got outed as knowingly using teen's insecurities to further ad revenue and engagement, to now.
I used to obsess over my weight thanks to the 2000s diet obsession and the popularity of low rise jeans that came of it.
I used to (poorly) photoshop anything I posted, especially once I was on antidepressants and gaining weight like crazy. I could've just not posted at all, but I was nothing without the likes. And if a post didn't hit at least 150*, it was an embarrassment.
*for those who might not remember, 150-200 was a lot circa 2014. But it was short lived. The influencers started becoming popular and the standard of 100 likes on a post became increasingly more embarrassing in comparison to other posters. I mean, I remember having conversations with friends and they'll say "Can you go like my post? It's almost to 100 and I really don't want to have to delete it."
I couldn't be caught dead not using a filter on any photo. I couldn't be bothered to at least make my Perfect 365 look natural. I wouldn't dare forget to Facetune my waist, "just a little bit, I swear!" because magazines photoshopped the hell out of people and is very very bad, but me? with my little app that will just make my waist look a little smaller since that was such a bad angle? Innocent.
I eventually got way too busy with life to even bother posting. The antidepressants were not anti-depressant-ing and the edits I would have to do kept taking more and more time and skill. It was either purchase an Adobe subscription to the most overrated and overpriced photo editing software to keep up with my vanity addiction, or just move on.
I still checked Instagram daily. But the more I scrolled, the more I just felt like absolute shit. Everyone looked better, looked happier, made more money than me, and there was not enough Zoloft to offset that kind of depression when you torture yourself by comparing your life and looks to people who are pretending to be that way and/or have way more time to commit to Photoshop and Lightroom.
When I offered to help write a chorus for another producer, that's when things started clicking.
Kee was working on an EP for his daughter, Ettie. It's full of life advice, and the first song was "You Don't Need A Mirror." A song that's summarized in the title, but touches on how society puts too much pressure on looks and not enough on who you are. He sent me the lyrics, and I had a moment of sudden clarity. Though he wrote this for his six year old daughter, it was still something I, a fully grown woman, needed to hear. So I treated it as such, and wrote the chorus in my and Ettie's point-of-view. I followed up with my newly written chorus:
Who am I when no one's watching?
I scroll through lies and I'm so lost in
My body's mistakes
For influence' sake
Will anybody ever notice me?
Who am I when I'm not posting?
A photoshopped game of who's like the most and
I'll never look right
in society's eyes
when the mirror is all they see
I loved these words so much, I wanted to write my own version of this song. I was going to use this same chorus, however, my writing process gave me something totally new and just as good, if not better for the goal I was aiming for.
Today, I really have finally figured out I wouldn't want to be anybody else. These are not empty words for the sake of lyrics. There is so much to love about myself, and I am so much more than likes under a photo. I still struggle with what people think of me, but every single day I get better. In fact, I wrote another song that kind of touches on this struggle that I hope to release in December 2022 called "I am (Enough)".
If you are in a place like I was, here's what I wish someone told me back then:
Not everyone will like you, and that is okay. Can you think of anyone who is liked by every single person? Even Beyonce has haters. Do you like everyone you meet? Do you hang out with people you don't get along with? No. And why would you? Isn't pretending to be nice exhausting? Don't you want the people who surround you to feel easy to be yourself and less... like a full time job? Let those who don't like you go. Your mental health will thank you.
Love yourself. Give yourself grace. If you don't think highly of yourself, how can others? You know yourself best and if you say you are something, people believe you. Don't campaign on negative thoughts, you're only hurting yourself.
I promise you, everyone else is so insecure they are not going to even notice the arm fat you think you have. They are busy obsessing about their own arm fat. Stop staring at your post, stop rewatching your own story. It will be hard to do, but it's an addiction that needs kicking and you'll be better off for it. You can do it.
Life is so much more enjoyable living for yourself and not the praise of others. It's a peace of mind most people try their whole lives to achieve.
Put the phone down. Spend some time alone with yourself. Figure out who you are and what you like to do in the absence of other people's opinions.
You won't feel happy with yourself every single day, and that is normal. A journey to love yourself is incremental steps. Write down your insecurities and what you find yourself obsessing over. Do your best to talk kindly to yourself daily. Read back over your insecurities 1, 2, even 6 months later (it's up to you, there's no "normal" time to heal!) I think you'll find some of these silly, or no longer an issue. Measuring progress is the best way to be proud of how far you've come.
I hope this song makes an impact on anyone who needs to hear it. I hope it allows someone out there to finally have their moment of clarity and start living for themselves. The world would be such a better place if we all were kinder to each other, and probably most importantly, ourselves.
